Guest list: Daniel Hawks . My Life Goals Before I Was 10 Years Old

Dear reader - I have a real treat for both of you today. Our guest blogger waxes poetic on life goals of almost 20 years ago. Without further ado, I present to you "My Life Goals Before I Was 10 Years Old."

6.) Own every Garbage Pail Kids card

Garbage Pail Kids were trading cards that satirized the Cabbage Patch Kid dolls that were wildly popular during the mid-80's. Each card featured a different character themed after some sort of gross-out humor. I remember one card with a girl who was jumping rope with a long string of snot coming out of her nose. This was absolutely hilarious when I was 7 years old. The company responsible for creating the cards was brilliant, because each character had two versions, with different names. So, "Adam Bomb" was also available as "Billy Blast." This meant that you had to collect two of every card. Bastards!

This is the only goal on my list that I came even remotely close to accomplishing. I used to drive my Dad crazy, begging him to stop at a pharmacy near our house so I could get a pack of Garbage Pail Kids. I can't wait to see what sort of worthless crap my kids are going to torture me into buying them some day.

5.) Own a house with its own "lazy river"

I remember visiting a water park in Florida one summer, and they had this ride called the "Lazy River." It was a stream that wound around the entire park, and had a mild current. The idea was that you could just float in the river and have it whisk you through the park all day. I thought it would be awesome to have a lazy river going not only around the perimeter of my house, but also THROUGH the house! This would be an amazingly effective way to get from one room to the other.

4.) Design my own Nintendo game

I played a lot of video games when I was a kid, and I loved coming up with ideas for my own games. The first step in designing your own Nintendo game was drawing all of the weapons that your character could collect in the game. If you got past that part, you could work on the enemies. I used to collaborate with the other nerdy kids at recess, and we took the task very seriously. Somehow we all thought that there was a legitimate chance that our game would be playable some day. In hindsight, I think if you actually let a group of 9 year olds design their own video game it would end up being terrible.

3.) Build and operate a putt-putt golf course in my back yard

Like designing my own Nintendo game, I actually thought this one was feasible. The course I had in mind was very similar to the "Wonders of the World" putt-putt course Kurt Russell built in the movie Overboard. The yard at my Dad's house was over 2 acres, so we had plenty of space, and we lived on a busy road, so there would be plenty of drive-by traffic. The best part of the plan was that there was also going to be concession stand where I would sell snacks to all of our hungry customers. Hot dogs, snow cones, popcorn – you name it. I actually created an entire concessions menu with prices and everything. No lie.

2.) Be a contestant on Fun House, Finders Keepers, or Double Dare
This one doesn't need a lot of explanation. I think this was the dream of EVERY child of the '80's. I would buy Double Dare on DVD if it were available.

1.) Win the Nickelodeon Super Toy Run
Nickelodeon used to have this contest every year where some lucky kid would get 5 minutes to run through a Toys 'R' Us and grab everything they wanted. They played commercials for it non-stop, and I was mesmerized every time it came on. After the contest had ended each year, they would actually broadcast the winner making their run through the store. This only intensified my mania for the Super Toy Run. I would get furious watching the winning kid. Not necessarily because I was jealous, but because THEY WERE DOING IT ALL WRONG! I had devised my own Super Toy Run strategy so I could get the maximum benefit from my 5 minutes. No wasting time with big bulky items that filled up the shopping kart. I would spend all of my time focusing on smaller, more expensive items. I also thought I would be very good at Supermarket Sweep.