Midwestern wit and wisdom

Midwestern wit is an artform. Raised in the same town that gave us Mark Twain (Hannibal, MO), my mother's family is strong believers in - and practitioners of - this type of humor. I've been told that my grandfather, Eldon Green, regularly had a one-liner at the ready. My mom often repeated these one-liners and, like most things my mom said throughout my teen years, I completely ignored them. But I'm older (read: wiser) and can appreciate these clever expressions that strike a balance between wit and wisdom. Now I like to pass them off as my own little nuggets of amusing insight, probably to Indio's embarrassment in the future.



Grandpa Eldon Green, Great Grandma Ruby Green, Great Uncle Harold

• To describe an aggressive driver in traffic: "They're just speeding up to slow down."
• On black clothing that collects lint (my mom's saying): "...picks up everything but men and money"
• On dire financial situations: "Too poor to pay attention." or "Too poor to window shop."
• Describing someone of low intelligence: "If brains were dynamite they couldn't blow their nose."
• Casual response to 'how are you?': "Can't complain, but I still do."
• How to express something impressive (Aunt Carla's saying): "I've been to 2 state fairs and a rodeo and I ain't never seen nothing like this!"